Understanding that relationships go through 5 stages is the path to true love.
All through my 20s and 30s, I just couldn’t get past the first stage of a relationship.
After a series of short-term flings with men who wouldn’t commit, I was left feeling despondent, thinking, 'what's wrong with me?'
What I didn’t realise was 'I was attracting men who wouldn't commit because deep down I was terrified of losing my freedom'
In my mind, I had unknowingly programmed a belief that
COMMITMENT = LOSS OF FREEDOM
And at that time, I didn’t know about the 5 stages relationships have to go through to survive and succeed.
WHAT ARE THE 5 STAGES AND WHERE DID THEY COME FROM?
Chuck Spezzano, PhD, world-renowned seminar leader, author, visionary, and founder of Psychology of Vision, came up with these 5 relationship stages:
Stage 1 – Romance
Stage 2 – The Power Struggle
Stage 3 – The Dead Zone
Stage 4 – Partnership
Stage 5 – Leadership or sometimes known as Spiritual
RELATIONSHIPS ARE SUPPOSED TO EXPAND AND GROW
He said a healthy relationship would move through each stage onto the next one, and when it doesn’t, it becomes stuck.
For example, relationships that get stuck in the dead zone and are not able to find a way to move forward can become closed down and disconnected, feeling flat, dead even.
RELATIONSHIPS THAT DON'T GROW, DIE !
Sometimes the death of a relationship is a good thing as the healing has taken place. It’s time to let it go and attract someone else. However very often, we hold on too long for fear of the unknown.
Let me take you through each of the stages and how to navigate them.
STAGE 1 - ROMANCE
The romance stage is wonderful; with your rose-tinted glasses are on, it all feels expansive and exciting.
Filled with joy, hoping that this ‘is it’, you create a fantasy future of how amazing you'll be together.
At this stage, you only see the good.
You want to do things to please each other and spend lots of time together.
You’ll overlook anything that doesn’t feel right, refusing to come out of this astounding bliss.
It feels familiar, comfortable, and easy. It feels right.
This stage feels too good to be true, right?
However, it may not be how it seems.
You see, we attract a partner who is familiar. This is great if you had the perfect upbringing where your parents showed you what a functional, loving relationship looked like.
Which, of course, isn’t everyone’s experience.
If you had a controlling mother or an aggressive father, you’ll carry these patterns in your energy and attract someone to help you heal the past—more about this in the next stage.
WAYS TO NAVIGATE THE ROMANCE STAGE
• Take the rose-tinted glasses off
• Be self-aware and evaluate how you feel every step of the way
• Trust your intuition
• Do inner work on yourself to clear your energy*
• Don’t buy into the myth that ‘he’s the one’
• Let go of creating a fantasy future
• Enjoy the journey and how it unfolds
STAGE 2 - THE POWER STRUGGLE
Once the romance stage is over, the illusion that this person can fulfil all of our needs disappears.
As we attract what we’re familiar with,
we may be shocked or disappointed by each other’s behaviour as tempers flare or we become excessively needy.
Fears around intimacy, trust, and commitment can also show up at this stage, causing you to end the relationship prematurely without carrying out the necessary healing.
This is definitely what happened in my case.
However, this is an important stage in the relationship to heal your past. Otherwise, you’ll keep attracting the same type of partner time and time again.
You may experience a fear of stepping into your own power by giving your power away to them. This could be by being the victim, not setting good boundaries, or not honouring what’s right for you.
This stage is what it says, a power struggle, each partner wanting to get their own needs met, fighting for the energy and attention outside of themselves.
I like to think of people as playing roles in the game of life. They act and say just the right things to tell me what I need to heal.
Be the observer of this and do the inner work to heal your past.
When you heal yourself,
you open your heart to unconditional love, which magically transforms all of your relationships.
WAYS TO NAVIGATE THE POWER STRUGGLE STAGE
• Take 100% responsibility for how you show up in the relationship.
• Know that every trigger is a trauma showing itself to be healed.
• Do inner work to fill yourself up with love and to meet your own needs.*
• Let go of blaming them, playing the victim, or trying to rescue them.
• Remember are on a hero’s journey and it’s not easy at times.
STAGE 3 - THE DEAD ZONE
After the excitement of the romance stage and the drama of the power struggle, which can be exhausting, the relationship reaches a plateau and boredom sets in.
If both partners don’t want their relationship to end, they accept ‘this is the way it is’ or realise they have a problem, not knowing how to resolve it or they subconsciously refuse to move forward for fear of the next stage.
Sadly this is the case in many relationships.
This is where one of you may fall out of love with the other realising there’s no future together.
Or it can bring with it feelings of being trapped for one person causing them to withdraw and need space.
They'll feel pressured and overwhelmed if they’re not given space as their partner tries to force the relationship to the next level, as their fears of abandonment are triggered.
This is where one partner may get ill or do anything to please their partner to force them to stay, or it’s where they look outside of the relationship to get their needs met by having an affair.
This is the ego at work
and it's another opportunity for healing to take place.
WAYS TO NAVIGATE THE DEAD ZONE STAGE
• Do inner work on old trauma around feeling trapped/abandonment etc.*
• Listen to your intuition and do what feels right for you i.e. ending v staying.
• Give your partner the space they want if this is what’s right for the relationship.
• If you want space, honour this and ask for what you need
STAGE 4 - PARTNERSHIP
Stages 1-3 are about healing past trauma and getting needs met outside of ourselves, whereas the partnership stage is ‘us’ focused.
Both partners feel very comfortable with each other.
The relationship feels free and easy.
You see the value in each other and what this brings to each other’s lives.
Although you’ve become one in the relationship, you’re still your own person on your own journey, loving and supporting each other.
As it’s still a journey of growth and learning, it’s not a stage to become complacent. The healing still has to take place as and when it comes up. However, it comes up less often.
This really is a beautiful stage to be in and sadly, many couples never get here.
WAYS TO NAVIGATE THE PARTNERSHIP STAGE
• Do the inner work as and when it comes up*.
• Remember what triggers you about them is your inner trauma to be healed.
• Focus on the beauty of the relationship you have.
• Make how you show up in your energy your priority as it will feed the energy of the relationship.
STAGE 5 - LEADERSHIP/SPIRITUAL
Although Chuck Spezzano calls this the Leadership stage, I’ve also heard it called the Spiritual stage, which resonates with me more.
This is where the ego needs are no longer, and the day-to-day struggles have disappeared.
This is where both souls know and support each other at a deep level.
Deep soul traumas can come to the surface to be healed as they expand and grow on their spiritual journey.
They honour and respect each other’s needs as well as their own. They have a deep trust and compassion for one another.
They respect each other as an individual and what they bring to the relationship.
And it’s where spiritual peace can be achieved.
The souls have cleared their issues around the relationship and are practising unconditional love for themselves and others.
It’s integrated at a deep level.
And it's living from your heart.
*As you do the inner work you will clear the energy between the both of you, and when it’s completely cleared it won’t show up the same again.
This really is the most powerful and transformation work you can do in a relationship.
And the more you do the work on yourself the more you grow the other person too.
As you open up your own heart space and grow in your own self-love it naturally opens up theirs as well.
I have seen this time and time again in my own relationship.
And it really is magical and beautiful.
Love Rebecca x
Heart Energy & Love Coach
P.s. If you want to know more about how to do the inner work and navigate the different stages of a relationship, book a discovery call now.
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